Keira The Axe Murderer
by Gemster
Summary: Chapter four is up! What WOULD it be like if everyone was scared of Vin? R
1. Jak Dies First Since He's Special

**Keira: The Axe Murderer**

**Description: After the events of Jak 3 and such, a bunch of random things start to happen to the civilians of Haven City (A.K.A. characters from the Jak series.) Jak doesn't care... as usual. Daxter is too scared. And Keira decides to get back on the people who've taken advantage of her life.**

**Disclaimer: Um... I don't own anything from Naughty Dog. I do own this story...**

**Killing One: Jak**

One faithful day, in the funky, whore-filled, sewage-smell-alike, run-of-the-mill, horrible to live in, and just a plain bad place, Haven city, Jak decided he didn't like saving the world.

**Gemster: Which to be honest, I doubt that he ever wanted to.**

"Okay, I quit." Jak said and walked out. Torn started to cry, not because he just lost his lover, but because he stubbed his toe on the table he was standing near. Keira blew her nose on Daxter, who reacted by stealing Sig's Peacemaker, (Sig: OMG! NOO!) and shot Sig with it. The force of the gun sent Daxter flying back to Sandover.

Sig, crawled over to his gun, which Daxter had obviously dropped on his way out, and stroked it slowly muttering, "It's not your fault baby... it's... mine..." Torn acted like nothing of interest just happened, so he just continued to doodle on the important documents.

Of course, Sig owns too much just to die like that, so he randomly came back to life, (Yeah, he DID die.. but he's back now.) "Dammit, when I get my hands on that chilly pepper, he shall pay dearly!" Keira stopped crying, then decided to go look for Jak.

Meanwhile, in Sandover...

"OMG! What the hell am I doing back here?!" Daxter yelled loud enough so the whole village could hear. Although all of the Ottsels you saw in the game could in fact talk, a talking Ottsel was actually quite a rare site. The villagers gathered around Daxter and began to do random things to him like: play dress up, force him to do their chores, make him tap dance, (Daxter despises tap dancing,) make him say the alphabet backwards, (which to be honest isn't as hard as you'd think,) and finally... make him watch Walker, Texas Ranger all day.

**Gemster: Is it just me? Or was that list of random things getting better and better?**

Luckily for Daxter, he was a precursor and so he could teleport through time, which is exactly what he did. "Whoohoo! I'm back! Back to the funky, whore-filled, sewage-smell-alike, run-of-the-mill, horrible to live in, and just a plain bad place, Haven city!"

Somewhere random...

Jak walked down the random streets of Haven, as he pondered to himself. "I wonder what the square root of pie is when there's only one piece left... mmmmm.. pie..." Quite the intelligent thought, indeed. Suddenly, Keira saw Jak.

See Jak run.

See Jak hide.

See Jak crap himself (Oh gawd no!)

See Jak cry. (Omg? He cries?)

See Jak get found by Keira.

There's a lot more to it.. but you know... I think I'll skip the long random list of things you'd never see Jak do, (except get found by Keira,) and save it more another random time.

"Jak, I've been looking for you all over Haven!" Samos shouted.

**Gemster: Wait, wasn't it Keira who just found him?**

**Samos: I just followed my nose.**

**Gemster: Oh are you sure it didn't have anything to do with the tracking device you planted on Keira?**

**Samos: WHAT... are you talking about? -short giggle- I could... umm never do such a thing to my own daughter.**

**Keira: Hey, what's this bleeping, flashy thing I just found on my arm?**

**Gemster: Can we get BACK to the story?**

"Listen Jak, the city needs you!" Samos shouted. "Not as much as I need him!" Keira argued. Suddenly Daxter came out of no where and laughed. Of course, Sig found Daxter by smelling the make-up that the Sandover villagers put all over Daxter. So, in a matter of seconds, Sig was once again, chasing after Daxter.

"So... why does that city need me?" Jak asked.

"Umm... because... it just does?" Samos replied.

"Oh good enough for me..." Jak smiled. Jak walked over the the group which now consisted of three people: Jak, Keira, and Samos. (Not in any paticular order, of course.)

Suddenly, Samos turned red and used his sage-like magic to do something beyond even my control, making the text appear as 'Samos, Keira, and the other guy with the goatee.'

"That's more like it," Samos said smiling.

"I want pizza" Jak complained. The group went to go get pizza. Finally, Samos began to explain a bunch of random events which probably won't even happen.

**Jak: Honestly, is "random" your favorite word?**

**Gemster: Who... what.. where?! Oh.. Umm.. what?**

**Jak: -Flicks Gemster off-**

**Gemster: I'm THE author, you do realize, I can make your worst nightmares come true!**

**Jak: Oh yeah? I dare you!**

Jak's pizza suddenly disappeared. "DAMMT!" Jak shouted, transforming into DJ, (Dark Jak,) he made quick work of the people who worked at the place that the group was eating at. Then a famous saying popped into Samos head. "Never bite the hand that feeds you, Jak." But no one cared about Samos.

Samos left in tears.

Keira picked off another tracking device located on her back.

**Gemster: Happy now?**

**Jak: Umm... no.**

**Gemster: Good.**

"Ya' know, I think my father cares about me... a little too much," Keira said as she picked off a thrid tracking device off her shoulder. "We ought to kill Samos for fun," Jak recommended. Keira thought about it, then deciding that she wouldn't have it. "Besides... I've already arranged for someone elses death."

"Who's?"

"Yours!"

Jak was confused. But of course, Jak took it as a random joke so he decided to laugh along. By unknown to him, Keira was in the process of sharpening her axe. Jak continued to laugh like there wasn't a care in the world. Keira took a random civilian aside to make sure her axe worked. (Umm.. of course it works?) She then proceeded to kill Jak, the boy she knew her whole life.

Jak turned around just in time to see the big axe being swung over Keira's small head. "Ohh... you were serious!" Jak laughed then fell to the ground.. silent.

"That's one down... several to go. But don't worry my dear ex-boy friend, I really am considering your advice to put my father to sleep."

**Gemster: Whoa.. she's just pure evil!**

**Jak: OMG! I died in the freaking first chapter! How gay is that?!**

**Gemster: Maybe I should recruit her for my gang of really evil people?**

**Jak: HELLO! I DIED! **

**Gemster: Well.. can't do much about that... luckily you are the main character, and as such... you cannot ACTUALLY die.**

**Jak: Good point. -Ressurects self- Now to go warn that old dirt bag, Samos!**

**Gemster: Now that Jak is gone, I can give you the previews to the next chapter... coughTornscough next****..  
**


	2. Killing Samos and Torn

**Jak: Help! I married an axe murderer!**

**Gemster: You guys were married? (That was a good movie by the way.)**

**Jak: ROFL! Hell no.. I mean.. ewww!**

**Keira: Umm...**

**Jak: Shut up axe murderer! **

* * *

** Killing Two: Samos and Torn**

Yes, Jak DID in fact just self resurrect. Not that you'd be worried, of course. Jak's the main character, therefore, the likely canidate to stop Keira's axe murders. (Which the thought itself proves to be funnier then the... funniest thing... I guess.)

"Wow... you don't have away with words, do you?" Jak asked no one in paticular. "HEY! I asked YOU!" Jak shouted at no one in paticular. "Forget it... I have to warn Samos!" Samos, of course, already knew what was going on due to the listening devices he'd earlier bribed Jak to plant on her. (Yeah, that's right... she has listening AND tracking devices on her.)

"Woah... she's coming at me with alarming speed!" Samos exclaimed.

"That's because I stole a zoomer, smart one." Keira, who came out of nowhere, said.

"I've come for you, father. I know you've planted listening and tracking devices on me, and I shall put an end to it, tonight." Keira mounted her heavy axe onto her shoulder then charged at Samos. Jak ran in, pulling out his morph gun. Keira laughed, "Are you going to shoot me, sexy?" Jak realized what Keira was trying to do. Jak wouldn't have it.

"Keira, this is a mistake." Jak frowned.

"No... the mistake was letting you live!" Keira argued.

"But... you DIDN'T let him live.. he's just the main character." Samos laughed, then ended up dead within the next minute... but I didn't feel like explaining what happened. Something about Keira killing Samos, Jak and Keira making out, Keira and Jak teaming up to kill the next person in line: Torn.

Torn was just a misunderstood, all around nice guy once you got to knowing him. This sadly was not the case for Jak and Keira. "He's given me crap ever since I've 'joined the fight for the city.' and you see the result... nothing. NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Jak yelled, as he fell over thinking it would make him look cool for some reason.

Daxter then walked by, "Damn Jak! Shut the hell up... it's like 12:00 a.m. and people are trying to-"

Daxter was interrupted by Keira, who grabbed him by the neck. Jak didn't know what to do. I mean, when have you ended up in a situation where your girlfriend literally tries to kill your best friend? Exactly. Suddenly, Torn came out. "Damn guys! Shut the hell up... it's like 12:00 a.m. and people are trying to-"

Torn was interrupted by Daxter.

Keira was choking Daxter, who was choking Torn.

Samos, who was mystically revived by his green eco and such, randomly walked into the ally where everyone was fighting. He realized that this wasn't going anywhere, so he took Jak's morph gun and shot Torn.

**Jak, Daxter, and Keira: Umm...**

**Samos: He owed me money.**

**Gemster: Yeah... well, you get shot when you don't pay the price... I guess.**

**Jak: Can we continue?**

"Well, since the bold text just explained why I killed Torn, I'll be on my way." Samos happily skipped off. "Okay, that was weird... he didn't even get the money out of Torn's dead pocket!" Daxter The Wise pointed out. "Hey, pockets can't die.. only the person WITH the pockets can die," said Torn. "I disagree with this," Jak said. "I think that..." The author had made Jak a mute again.

Torn walked off, sining "It's a Small World After All."

"Okay... I could've swore Samos just killed him." Keira commented.

"I don't want to be apart of this story anymore!" Daxter complained.

"It, by all means, doesn't make sense." A mute Jak in sign language, pointed out.

"Oh yeah... well you don't make sense!!" Gemster, the author yelled.

See Jak cry.

See Jak fight and lose.

See Jak apologize.

"Okay.. enough of the random lists, in which you'd never EVER see Jak do," Keira said. "Let's just go move on to the next person on our list!" Keira cheered. "Erol?" Jak, who was no longer mute, said hopefully. "We'll get there... but first... Kleiver."

**Gemster: AHHH! Their all crazy now!**

**Daxter: I've always been a tad crazy... but mostly drunk.**

**Krew: I made a lot of money off of that rat before I died, ey?**

**-Everyone gives Krew a confused expression-**

**Kleiver dies in the next chapter.**


	3. Kleiver Kicks the Bucket

**Keira: I don't think I understand the chapter name... I mean the term "too," as no one has actually died yet.**

**Gemster: Well, the killing in cold blood starts now... how-a-bout it?**

**Kor: Cold blood killing? Can I come?**

**Jak & Daxter: Hey we killed you!**

**Kor: When Krew died, they had to kick some people out of hell to make room for krew because he is SO damn FAT!**

**-Daxter begins to laugh-**

**Jak: Okay, this is going to be fun.**

* * *

** Chapter three: That's right... Kleiver dies too...**

Now there were a total of four people, (read above text for the reason why Kor is here,) in the axe murderers club.

Keira, with her axe.

Jak, with his morph gun.

Daxter, with his big mouth.

And Kor, with his Metal Head form.

Dangerous? You betcha. They all currently had one thought on their mind...

"To eat pizza?" Asked Jak.

"No you dip, he means taking over the world!" Kor laughed an evil laugh.

"Well, I was going to say kill Kleiver." This got everyones attention as they all began to rally themselves in a staright line to the air train! "AIR TRAIN WOOT!" Jak shouted continuously to the point to where it almost annoyed Daxter! But, Daxter would keep his cool. They all sat in the air train, just as the door shut and a voice speaker came on.

"Please fasten your seat belts... -mumble mumble- oh.. there isn't any. -mumble- What? Do you really think I should marry him? -mumble- Oh... you say YOU want to marry him." At that, a window opened an two heads popped in. The first was the unmistakable voice of the person who was just on the speaker. "Although my friend here is a bit shy... he'd like to.. um... go out... some time with you, yellowish greeny haired man with the goatee."

Keira was pissed.

You did NOT want to piss off Keira. (Especially when her cargo consists of an axe and a morph gun.)

"You do realize he's already taken?" Keira asked in.. a... well.. let's just say.. one of her more intimidating voices. Keira held the giant axe up to the second persons throat, refusing to do ANYTHING until the second-in-command boy say he's sorry for asking Jak on a homosexual date.

Jak was sleeping to hard to notice what was going on. He was dreaming of pizza, air trains, and killing Kleiver.

"Umm.. ma'am, no trouble... we just...well just him... well.. well... HE ONLY WANTED TO BE LOVED!" The driver yelled. Jak woke up in shock, "Dammit! I was so close to killling Kleiver!" Keira was angered by the drivers comment, so she went ahead an killed him.

"Well... there goes our way home, unless the other one can drive." Daxter commented.

"Nope, it appears Keira killed him, too." Kor replied.

**Gemster: Seriously Keira, WHY would do that? I mean, now you're going to crash and die!**

**Keira: Well, YOU'RE the author! Can't you do something.**

**Gemster: No, I'm busy eating some pizza.**

**Jak: Can I have some?**

**Gemster: No.**

**Kor: I do believe we are going to crash into that random mountain.**

**Gemster: Umm.. that's future tense... you DID crash into that random mountain.**

"Well, this sucks," Daxter complained, "now we'll never kill Kleiver for no apparent reason."

Suddenly just like that, Kor had an idea. "Let's all blame Keira!" Jak wasn't going to have that, as he rushed to the defense of his lover. Daxter just stared at Spargus.. which was like five feet away.

"Hey Gem, you think I should tell?" Daxter asked. "No, let them duke it out... they'll learn," I commented, then smiled.

Kleiver then walked out singing the Barney Theme Song. "I love you, you love me! La la la la!"

Everyone was silent. They all stared at Kleiver with their mouths hanging wide open. "Heya, hows-a-bout a hug!" Kleiver then outstretched his arms as if he was getting ready to embrace something. As foretold, the only thing that Kleiver would be embracing was his own death.

Jak shot at Kleiver.

Kleiver threw his nappy at Jak, then ran off.

Jak just barely dodged the "stink bomb" then montioned for his men, (and woman,) to follow the mark. Kleiver was yelling at everyone to prepare the city for attack. Talk about massive failure. "Oh look, it's that drunken idiot, Kleiver. Let's all point and laugh!" Kleiver wouldn't have it. "Time to take out the big guns!" He threw Veger at Jak, who didn't expect it at all.

The once evil count had the crap literally scared out of him, when he saw Jak's face up close.

Veger ran free.

Kleiver was not happy at what just happened.

"You lost me my servent!" He shouted. Then pulled out a scatter gun.

Kor went metal Kor on Kleiver, but all it did was make the over weight wastelander even angrier.

"Quick! Allow me!" Daxter said bravely. He walked up to the prepared wastelander. But nothing could prepare him for what was about to happen.

"Hi, my name is Daxter.. I like pie, cookies, cake, soda, pizza, more pizza, my best friend Jak, having fun at parties, women, more women, sexually insulting EVERYONE, racisism, more parties, making my own parties, more cake, cheese, chips, dip, being a precursor has it's ups and downs but it's pretty tight too. Oh, I LOVE Tess, my best friend Jak, and just adore parties. I like opera, reading the Bible, and swimming. The point is that I'm a salesmen and would like to sell you something completely random that, by-all-means shouldn't exist here, but it does so there itsn't much I can do... I just sell the stuff. I like parties, I don't think I mentioned it earlier so I apologize in advance. Deep breath Z Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M L K J I H G F E D C B A!" That's the alphabet backwards! Did you like that? Now, I shall count from infinity to zero. Deep breath"

Kleiver couldn't take it anymore... his head blew up from all the brain damage that he had received while Daxter was talking. "Well, my job is.. OW! Done... losing my voice!" Everyone looked suprised. The world itself would end if Daxter actually became MUTE!

**Jak: Daxter becoming mute would end the omniverse, not just this paticular planet.**

**Keira: Does this planet have a name?**

**Kor: Let's name it "Metal Head Homeworld"**

**Daxter: I like "Daxter" better.**

**Jak: Let's name it "Keira".**

**-The two lovers stare at each other-**

**Daxter: Oh give me a break!**

Well, with Klevier dead, the axe murderers club decided to go take on bigger more frightful challenges. "Alright this might be our most difficult mission yet... guys... we're going to kill Vin."

**Gemster: OMG! GASP**

**Jak: I don't even think I can do such a thing.**

**Kor: -The "scared crapless" expression on his face is priceless-**

**Daxter: Boo!**

**Keira: AHHH!**

**Gemster: Next chapter... they attempt to enter the evil lair (power station) of VIN (the worst actor and possibly the weakest character in the whole series.)**

**Torn: I wish I had that title...**


	4. Vin is Pure Evil

**Gemster: Sorry guys, I can't make Vin any weaker then he is, since he's already reached his point.**

**Keira: What do you mean!! He's the most evil of evils!**

**Jak: Yeah. At my B-Day party, I said to take only one slice of pizza... Vin took three.**

**Gemster: Evidence, please.**

**Jak: Well...**

**Kor: He's beyond evil... oh did I mention he's a real hoot to kill? The bastard wouldn't shut up! **

**Keira: Wait good point, he's already dead.. isn't he?**

**Vin: I'm right here toots.**

**Kor: -Wets himself-**

**Chapter Four: Vin: THE Evil One**

"Alright, we need a sensible plan to kill Vin," Keira said with a worried tone.

"Tch... yeah... get a new career," Daxter commented as he left the building.

"Damn!" Everyone said in unison. Daxter was in deed their secret weapon, until that point. Jak was no longer worried, he was terrified. How do you take on something... so evil? "We must ask Samos!" Kor shouted. "Good idea, let's ask advice from daddy and get the same answer as Daxter."

Daxter came back into the building, soaking wet. "It's raining."

"Good observation, oh great one. It's been raining since we came back to Haven." Sassed Keira.

**Gemster: How DID you get back to Haven? You killed the drivers.**

**Keira: Easy, we took the cab.**

**Jak: Much better then the Air Train... although I will miss it much.**

Well, if the cab was good enough for them, it's good enough for me.

Anyhow...

Somewhere in Haven...

"Hey Samos! Was sup buddy?" Daxter asked, then proceeded to give Samos a hug. Samos simply sprayed Daxter with the "Pest Spray A " He'd borrowed from the black market. Daxter fell, then experienced a seizure. Daxter then died and rose from the dead. (He's a precursor... he can't die, smart one.)

"So, I suppose you want to kill The Great Vin?"

"Yes"

"The most evilest of evils?"

"Yes"

"The tyrant of tyrants, the king of terror, the overlord of doom, the dictator of-"

"Yes, yes, yes, and yes."

"Can't help you. I'm scared worse then you guys are, and I'm a freaking sage!"

Vin then popped up from behind the valley, "hey guys... care for a hug?"

Everyone screamed in unison... then ran away in unison.

"Oh darn... why doesn't anyone like me?" Vin said.

**-Flashback-**

Jak and Daxter where sent to power station to do something for Vin, but nothing could prepare them for what they found there, that faithful night. Vin was... he... no.. it's too horrible.. I can't.

Vin.. was...

"Eating pizza?" Jak asked.

"What..? No! How'd you get here, it's a FLASHBACK!" I yelled.

"I know what Vin was doing! He was plotting to take over the omniverse!" Do I HAVE to say who said that?

"Nah... he was just playing a nice clean game of... Chinese checkers," Daxter commented.

"Noo! Go away!!! Vin was actually torturing people with his horrible singing!"

Keira began to cry at the thought.

**-End Flashback-**

Jak woke up and stared at his clock which indicated 11:48 p.m. "Oh, what a relief... I could have sworn that was real! I was killed and I came back, Kor came back, we killed Samos and Torn who came back, Keira was CRAZY, we killed Kleiver, and we attempted to kill Vin but for some reason we all had the hell scared out of us!" With that, Keira walked into the room.

"Jak... that happened. We're going to attempt the suicide mission of killing Vin tomorrow, but for now, focus on getting some sleep." Jak cried himself to sleep.

"We die tomorrow... a brave battalion."

The next morning...

Everyone reluctantly got up from their beds as they walked to the door. Everyone was silent, as the only noise that could be heard was the swears of the angry drivers on the road of the streets of Haven.

Jak hijacked a zoomer with enough seats for everyone.

"Hey! You shouldn't steal from your elders!" Samos shouted as he fell to the [insert funny thing you think Samos should fall on.

"It's for your own good, greenstuff!" Daxter shouted happily as the gang rode off.

Samos, who was currently busy trying to get up from the [insert funny thing you think Samos should've fallen on. He would not have this. I mean... his daughter, an AXE MURDERER? He could only image what she was capable of.

**-Samos' thoughts-**

"OMG!! NOO!!" Sig shouted as Keira stole his Peacemaker. Keira simply laughed an evil laugh in Sig's face. "You do realize you can't kill me; I own too much, right?"

"I've found a way to change that... your ownage will remain as long as your pure. When you have "fun" with someone it will go away... sexy."

**-Samos' thoughts end-**

_"Something about that is just plain wrong,"_ Samos thought. _"In any case, I have to go warn Vin!"_

(In case you're wondering how he knows Vin is the next target... listening devices.)

Meanwhile, at the power station...

"Oh dear... oh boy.. ever since I got my brain out of that stupid machine... I've been soo scared of an assassin's attack, now.. b-b-ut I have nothing to worry about.. I have my communicator... a-and I know Jak will come save me." Just like that, as if right on que, Jak ran in with the rest of his party.

"O-oh, Jak... I thought you were one of those assassins I was thinking about.. y-you scared me." Vin said relieved.

"Not as much as you scare me, you EVILLLL dictator," Daxter yelled.

Vin gave the group a confused look. "_Evil dictator? Obviously a joke... right?"_

"Vin give it up, your reign ends NOW."

_"Why was everyone pointing at poor ol' Vin like that?"_ Was all Vin could think of.

"Vin, we know it's going to hurt for a second... but just close your eyes and relax. It'll be over, soon." Jak said, while walking up to Vin.

Vin didn't want a fight, nor did he realize why they wanted to kill him. "Look, if you let me l-live, I'll pay for all for your eco-bills!" Vin said, hoping.

Jak had a sad expression on his face, "Not this time... Vin, I'm sorry."

Vin wasn't going to have it. "A-alright, if you won't let me go... then I'll have to kill you." With that, Vin pressed a button, causing bolts of lighting to sway randomly around the room. It was like dodging the speed of light... you can't. Vin laughed one of the Most horrid evil laughs I've EVER heard... I mean, this makes Barney's (Kleiver: Yay!) evil laugh look good. (Gemster: Shut up... you're dead.)

A few minutes later...

Vin was shocked by his own attack.

Vin died... AGAIN.

Vin dumped his brain into that machine... AGAIN.

"Well, at least he can't leave now." Kor said as they left.

Vin was completely silent... he could not believe what just happened. And here he was this close, (two fingers 1 in. away from each other,) to taking over the omniverse. "I'll be b-back you fools! You CAN COUNT-" Vin was interrupted by the door closing.

"Yeah, of course I can count. I mean, I can count from infinity to zero!" Daxter bragged.

"Sooo... who's next?" Kor asked.

"Erol!" Jak shouted.

"Sig!" Daxter shouted.

"Daxter!" Sig shouted.

"Oh no! Gotta run!" Daxter shouted as he ran off, with Sig in pursuit.

Keira simply laughed. "Let's go kill that whore, Ashelin."

[Insert evil laugh

**Gemster: Whoa.. looks like Ashelin is next.**

**Jak: -Proud- Yeah, I can get revenge for her trying to cheat on me!**

**Keira: -Evil laugh-**

**Sig: Anyone seen chilly pepper around?**

**Kor: I do believe he's hiding behind the garbage over there.**

**Sig: -Pulls out Peacemaker- Okay, thanks!**

**Gemster: See ya soon!**


End file.
